OK..I can admit stuff to you. Since likely June I have been a piece of work to deal with...at home. Everywhere else..OK...no problems but at home it's been different.
I have been short, distant, uninvolved, sometimes uncaring, most times just not present.
I think I know why.
I felt betrayed. Had an incident in the spring time that left me a little bit off centre. It was a friendship issue where I feel I was thrown under the bus. It hurt. But more than that it only cemented the belief for me that people in your life cause problems and if you never have any friends you can never have any enemies. It hurt me.
I shut down.
Throughout the summer I preferred to stay put at the house not really leaving, enjoying my family enjoying my pool enjoying my dogs. If enjoying means sitting around looking at a book or staring off into the distance behind sunglasses enjoying then I guess I was...but they weren't. I would busy myself with STUFF just to avoid any kind of contact or discussion. Willie kept telling me "funny Angie" was gone.
As I sit and think...I am pretty sure I have it figured out.
Also...and as women I am sure we all go through these confusing times. We have work, (which is demanding and all encompassing...they seem to want more and more), we have activities like their hockey like their swimming, shopping for food and so on...managing a family budget which is not easy...money is tight everywhere it seems...all of these things equal a shut down or a loss of "give a damn.."
I feel sometimes that it really doesn't matter what I do because it's going to be wrong or it's going to piss someone off or it's just going to cause some kind of idiotic conversation that wastes time. So...what do you do? You fly below the radar do your stuff and hope to escape unscathed!
September was a bit of a downer for me too. My boy turned 10. 10. He will no longer be a single digit person..it's only doubles from here on in. Being a single child parent...(I always wanted more...and honestly the fact that I could never have anymore hurts my heart and sometimes clouds my thoughts. It's not a regret....it's more of a pain..more of a fanstasy)....only having one...I notice those little things I guess. And he is getting older and doesn't need me as much as he used too. And THAT is my pain.
I totally get how "crazy cat ladies" are born. Desparation to be needed...to have something depend on you. THAT is what I am up against. So I come up with this crazy idea I need a kitten. Like a hole in the head I need a cat...I have Lu and Chucker and the Ralpher to keep me busy..besides with the Ralpher around it could only end bad...and who needs that!!!
I was hoping that as I aged the number of dramas would decrease, the world be all sunshine and lollipops...and easy.
It sure ain't easy..is it????? It tends to get harder...but the threshold for BS seems to decrease. That's a good thing I think....but if you are like me and you hold on to stuff like that...and have it ruin your day or even ruin your hour...it's totally not worth it.
When i think of me...at my time of life at my age and the fact that people always seem to come to me to talk about their problems....I think I am a friend I would like to have....we all need someone to prop us up, tell us the truth, make us laugh and have fun with. I wonder sometimes what people really think of me because I have in mind the thought that people don't really like me and they only want me around because they need a joke or two. Willie says that's not true....I think he would know. And he would also tell me the truth.
We all need a safe place to fall....it's a matter of finding it.